F*cking & Dying: The White Light

We are in the thick of exploring our competing sex and death drives, and that interesting space where the two overlap and even coalesce.

In this episode, we are searching for the "white light," that surreal experience that can really open happen in sex or death, when we glimpse the soul. First up is actor Parker Drown performing Trevor, an NYC “rent boy,” followed by Jeanine Serralles performing Kelli Dunham, a writer/performer with the tag line “Everyone’s Favorite Ex-Nun, Genderqueer, Nerd Comic.” Learn more about Kelli’s fascinating story at kellidunham.com. To close out this podcast, we welcome back Grace McLean, whose layered vocals you may remember from our Sex Variants series. Grace’s original song, “Where is the White Light,” was inspired by an interview we did with Veronica, an energy healer.



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F*cking & Dying: Turned On

Let Me Ascertain You is back with a new series examining two of The Civilians’ favorite fixations: sex and death.



This first podcast in the series focuses on death as the ultimate turn-on. To start us off, we have Stephen Plunkett performing a monologue from an interview we did with famed porn director Craven Moorehead. Then we have Sam Breslin Wright performing an interview with Johannes, an Austrian who runs an arts/technology festival that buries people alive, aptly named, “The Six Feet Under Club.” Following that, cabaret superstar Lady Rizo performs her original song “Under” which she wrote with Yair Evnine. This song is based on our interview with Kitty, a “Six Feet Under Club” participant who got buried alive with her lover.

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LMAY F*cking & Dying: Who We're Talking To

For our final Let Me Ascertain You of the season, F*cking & Dying, we decided to delve into two of our favorite obsessions to see what happens when death and sex fixations collide. 

For the past few months, we've been exploring our competing sex and death drives, morbid curiosities, and dirty secrets on the path to nirvana. In true Civilians' fashion, we've interviewed a huge cross-section of individuals on the subject(s), including the owner of a six-feet-under club (yep, it's exactly what it sounds like), a sex therapist, a sex addict, a terror sex enthusiast, a "rent-a-boy," and many more.  

We wanted to share some brief experts from the interviews we've conducted for our cabaret at Joe's Pub on Saturday May 17th @ 7pm. Here’s a little preview of what we have in store:

We warn them that if they have something real special, like a designer suit, and they bring it down into the coffin, and you’re like number ten down there, it will get dirty. There’s no stopping that. Yah? And we kind of advise people to use condoms, uh, and we say like yeah, we don’t stop you from doing it without a condom, but just like clean up your stuff down there, like be aware that people want to go in the coffin afterwards and if there’s a mess down there, you’re cleaning the stuff up, it’s not the gravediggers job to clean up your...jizz down there.
––Six-Feet-Under Club

Screen Still from the movie SHAME

And, part of that is this whole ritual of repression, like repressing the repulsion. Um, trying to instigate and curate desire and ultimately, for me it's meant being um... vulnerable to strangers. In a way that is like, deeply disturbing. Sometimes it feels even unhealthy. Sometimes it's kind of magical, actually. To go into these high-rises in New York and to always, the door opens and the stranger is behind the door. And then to walk over every time to the window and look at the view. Usually it's a setting sun. And, and then to take a deep breath. And then be like, "Okay, I no longer- I'm no longer me." It's not always terrible, but most of the time it is.

––Rent-A-Boy